Mariasama Is Glaring
by Alphas
Summary: During Yumi's third year at Lilian, the statue of Mariasama is possessed by a vile spirit who claims to be the Virgin Mary. Now, Lilian girls old and new must unite to cease Mary's march of vengeance! Ch.11 up, Eleventh Teacup.
1. First Run

Disclaimer: Maria-sama belongs to Konno Oyuki and the other people who made it. I don't own it. I'm not making profit off of this. Blah.

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**Maria-sama Is Glaring: First Run**

Lilian Girls' School; the garden of maidens, prim and proper. Once more, the maidens walk though the tall gates, angelic smiles plastered on their faces. Their pure minds and bodies are wrapped in dark colored school uniforms. The pleats on their skirts and their white sailor collars should always be tidy. Walking slowly is preferred there.

_Oh, but how soon they will be running! Those ungrateful whores!_

Stopping to pray to the statue of Mary as they enter the garden of maidens, a group of Lilian girls feel a wicked aura almost crashing down on their neat little shoulders. Many of them ignore the chilly sensation crawling up their backs like a

_Pervy blonde grabby demon? Yes…HER…_

hoard of spiders scattering at mock speed, and walk away…And because of this, most of them did not cower under the searing hot glare Maria-sama was shooting them. Ahh…but one _did_.

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Fukuzawa Yumi fidgeted quietly under the cover of the cobalt blue parasol she practically snapped in two with her nervous death grip. With each patter of the night's pouring rain against her parasol, the corners of her eyes twitched.

Needless to say, there was a lot of rain.

Yumi stood her post not-so-formidably in the terrifying rainstorm as she waited for her convoy to arrive. She leaped out of her skin at every clap of thunder, shrieked at every leaf that timidly brushed her trembling hands along with the bristling current of wind. Why was she waiting _there_? In the midst of a raging storm? When she could have gone into Lillian's greenhouse as she had done countless times before? Well…

"Maria-sama is watching…Maria-sama is watching…Maria-sama is watching…" chanted Fukuzawa Yumi. _That's right_, thought Yumi, _she's watching…JUST watching…_

"Maria-sama is watching…Maria-sama is _glaring_ watching…" Yumi shuddered at the abrupt intrusion of her thoughts and tried to collect herself like a lady…She failed, miserably.

At that moment of absolute failure, two slender arms snaked around Yumi's neck.

"EEEYAAH!!" Yumi screamed. _It's Maria-sama! She wants revenge for the time I laughed when Kashiwagi-san finally told Sachiko-sama he's gay!_ _And the time I 'accidentally' tripped Touko-san at Sachiko-sama's graduation! And because I 'accidentally' groped Sachiko-sama at the 'Sachiko-sama's going to Lilian University, and doesn't have to marry her gay cousin' meeting!_, thought Yumi in the record time of two seconds.

"Ha, ha, ha! All hail Yumi-chan's dinosaur squeal!" teased the

_Dirty…Old…Man…YOU…!!_

owner of the constricting arms.

"Sei-sama!" Yumi whirled around and buried her face in Sei's inviting chest, wailing in mixed emotions of anger, then relief, then more anger, and lastly, devastation. This was not what Satou Sei was expecting. Sure, she expected the fury and the fists pounding against her chest…but this time was different. Yumi was crying. And, Sei noticed, they definitely weren't happy tears.

"Yumi-chan? What's wrong? It's not because I scared you, is it?" inquired Sei, genuinely concerned.

"N-no! It's…" Yumi paused. She wondered if Sei would believe her. It wasn't every day that a Statue of a two thousand-year old spirit glared at you with blood red eyes and a killer's intent. Yumi tried letting her silence speak for her. Sei deducted. Terribly.

"Is someone giving you trouble? Did that damn gingko prince finally bag Yuuki-san and stow him into his pedophilia closet!?" Sei was interrupted when Yumi's hand clasped over her mouth. Her brown eyes gleamed with fear and a little hint of disturbance from what Sei said about her brother and Kashiwagi Subaru's closet.

"Shh! She could be listening!" Yumi chided.

"Mmmmph?…Mnnnmmph!" With Yumi's hand placed clumsily over both her mouth and nose, Sei found it hard to speak…and breath. So, Sei watched Yumi's face undergo a series of variable expressions from confused to thoughtful to shocked before the hand suffocating her was finally retracted with an unhealthy blush.

"Ah! I thought I was going to die," Sei said with a large intake of air, "Now, Yumi-chan, what do you mean? Who could be listening?"

"eh...uhmm… M-Maria-sama…" stated Yumi, somewhat hesitant.

"Oh, great…Now she's listening, too?" Sei and Maria-sama still had a few things to work out. Sei didn't like being watched. Unless the watcher was a cute girl.

"Eh?…Wha…No!…I mean…" Yumi sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.

Yumi fumbled with words for quite a while until she started telling Sei what she had encountered. They just stood there in the rain with their own separate umbrellas as Yumi spoke. At one point in the story telling process, Yumi joined Sei under Sei's umbrella—it was bigger and more convenient for the two.

"Yumi-chan…that's…uh…" It was Sei's turn to fumble for words. She wondered how to politely tell Yumi that she should get some glasses…or a psychiatrist. But, before she could say a word, a wide-eyed Yumi shot her finger up at something towards the front gate of Lilian, fright, horror, and 'I told you so' evident in her expression. In the distance, a resonating, thumping noise could be heard sounding louder and louder as the seconds passed. Sei looked down the path after the gate and saw…

_YOU!! Pervy Blonde Grabby Demon Spirit Shooting Wench!! Oh, ho, just a two thousand year old spirit, huh?! 'Oh, let's point and shoot at the thing, she won't notice!' Well, this statue's still alive and kickin'! And guess what?! Guess!! I. Want. REVENGE!!_

…That's the last thing Sei and Yumi heard before the statue of Maria-sama charged at them with flashing crimson eyes. It made the ground tremble with each stomp of its march of vengeance. It's malicious grin and the dark, wispy aura it shed screamed murder.

"Oh God! Oh Buddha! Oh…_Jesus_!" Yumi preached while being frantically dragged along with Sei in the flight of their lives. Yumi probably would have said '_Oh_, _Mary_!' under different circumstances. Maybe, you know, if she wasn't about to be mutilated by this 'Bloody Mary'.

"Yumi-chan! You forgot one!" Sei yelled, pulling Yumi into a desperate sprint. Sei could see it now. ' Catholic school girls are stoned to death by the Virgin Mary!'. Crap! This is _not _she imagined dying!

"Oh my zombie Christ!!" Sei shouted, and with one, powerful tug, Sei lifted up the exhausted dinosaur squealing girl that was Yumi and carried her as she ran, knight-in-shining-armor style. They passed about six hundred and sixty-six trees before, mysteriously, in Sei's random and directionless run, Yumi spotted a familiar safe haven. A steel plate reading 'Shimazu Residence' flickered into her vision. But, they'd have to act fast to escape Maria-sama's blazing trail of vengeance.

"Sei-sama, look! Yoshino-san's house!" Yumi pointed with a glint of hope in her eye.

"Huh?! Good job Yumi-chan! Yoshino-chan can scare that thing away!" said Sei. She was serious; Yoshino had a temper that could bring her to indiscriminate, homicidal violence.

How would Maria-sama fare against a vicious, Rei-toppling, fuse-ignited Yoshino?!

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A/N: Uh...Don't take it too seriously...Please. Kashiwagi Subaru = Kashiwagi Suguru for silly reasons explained later-ish.


	2. Second Chase

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! This is my first fanfic, so they really did encourage me!

Disclaimer: I don't own it. I'll never own it. Don't remind me!

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**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Second Chase**

Shimazu Yoshino was having a wonderful night. She sat comfortably at the kotastu at the center of her room with freshly baked cookies and pungently heated coffee at the table. Her long mahogany colored hair was free of her usual twin braids. A woolen cardigan sewn by her precious former Onee-sama, Hasekura Rei, hugged her small body. Peace and quiet enveloped her in a cloak of tranquility. No rain. No cold. No bumbling sources of irritation. Nothing but complete and soothing equilibrium.

And then came the rapping at her door.

For all her sanity was worth, Yoshino ignored the incessant banging. She took a sip of her coffee and a bite of her Rei-made-cookie. Ah…heaven at las—

"OH MY GOD!! Yoshino-chan!! Quit screwing Rei and open the door!!" The words raked across her ears like a jagged knife. Her gentle and serene façade shattered like a block of ice, and the utter inferno of her true nature exploded into existence. Her body darted straight up and she stomped down the flight of stairs and to the front door as her brows knitted in an angle of rage. She tore the lock from the door and swung it wide open.

What she saw next was a fist to her face. Sei's fist, to be exact. Yoshino spoke up.

"_What the hell do you_—AHHCK!!" Sei, in the act of rapping on Yoshino's door as it was opened, struck Yoshino square in the forehead. She fell back, and two frantic girls poured into her house, slamming and blockading the entrance as she tried to regain full consciousness. Something smashed against the other side of the door with a loud crashing noise that shook the entire room.

"Holy Shit! What the Christ was _that_?!" Yoshino screamed at the two invaders. Sei was busy searching for things to reinforce the newly erect wall with, and Yumi…was being Yumi. Her face was a smorgasbord of emotions. She decided Sei would have to pay later, and questions needed to be asked and answered. Or she'd just kill everyone now and save herself the trouble.

"Yoshino-chan, we're being chased by Maria-sama! She wants to kill us, and we need your help! Also, we're sorry for interrupting your little session with Rei-san!" Sei spewed the words out like nothing.

As Sei and Yumi explained themselves, the smashing against Yoshino's house continued, and little pockets of dust on the ceiling and walls shot outwards. The three Lilian girls coughed as the foggy debris was inhaled. Sei pulled a bookshelf from the wall, knocking everything off of it, and swiftly pushed it against the door.

"_What the fuck?!_ Are you two on crack?!" Yoshino was red with molten aggravation. She was about to strangle Sei when a yell rung from outside.

"Yoshino-chan!! Oh my god!! There's a statue ramming into your house! Are you alright?!" It was the voice of Hasekura Rei.

Panic swept through Yoshino like a squall of frigid wind. All together Yoshino, Sei and Yumi tried to warn Rei.

"_REI!! RUN AWAY!!"_ Honorifics and polite, ladylike behavior were abandoned all at once. They shouted at the top of their lungs to give Rei a clue of the impending DOOM that awaited her if she didn't turn tail and run. But, alas, it was all too late. The banging at the door stopped, and heavy stomping noises could be heard moving away from Yoshino's house.

--

Hasekura Rei was startled to see that the living statue trying to overtake Yoshino's house was the statue of Maria-sama. She was even more startled to see those flashing ruby eyes become larger…and larger…as if it were coming closer…

"Oh dear _GOD!!_ It _is_ coming closer!" Rei's survival instincts finally kicked in and she scrambled to her feet and bolted away. _What did I do to deserve this?! _thought Rei, wondering if maybe Maria-sama wanted to kill _any _Lilian girl to sate her seemingly deep-rooted bloodlust.

"Why, oh _WHY_, did I have to pick Lilian University?!" shouted Rei with Maria-sama in hot pursuit. She ran along the sidewalks running wherever her legs would take her. Just once, she heard a haunting female voice from behind her.

_YOOUUU!! You're the cross dressing MAN masquerading around Lilian! YOU. WILL. DIIEEEE!!_

" Wh-What?! I'm a _girl_!" Rei snapped back. What the hell? That was the reason for this treachery?!

_You DARE talk back to ME?! The Virgin Mary?! Oh!! You'll see!! You will SEE what happens to those who dare defy me!!_

"I-I didn't defy anyone!! And quit rhyming!!" countered Rei. This was _bad_. Rei was getting tired. Even an athletic girl like her couldn't keep up with the raging beast that was Maria-sama!

But, all hope was not lost for Hasekura Rei.

Two blinding fog lights beamed at her through the thick, pouring rain. Rei heard the screeching sound of tires against cement as a flamboyant, red sports car drifted at the nearest curve and stopped within inches of hitting Rei. Maria-sama was still charging at her and was just yards away! Who was the driver of this bullet with wheels?!

Fortunately and unfortunately, Maria-sama answered for Rei

_YOOOUUU!!! YOU GINGKO SMELLING, GAY, SHE-MAN!! KASHIWAGI SUBARU!!! YOU! WILL!! DIEEE!!!_

"Oh God, Oh Kami-sama, Oh Yoshino, I'm gonna die…!!" Rei was either screwed or saved. Who knew? Who other than the Twin Drill Roboto Girl?

In the knick of time, Rei was yanked into the backseat of the flashy sports car by a pair of familiar arms. She was greeted by Twin Drills, and Gingko Prince. Oh, God, this could not get any worse for Hasekura Rei. Rei released a deafening scream of horror as the Gingko Prince maniacally sped them away from Maria-sama's literally rock hard terror.

Was Rei truly in safe hands with the Gingko Prince? Who knows?...Maria-sama does...

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A/N: Poor Rei...Stupid me... 


	3. Third Reich?

A\N: Once again, thanks for the reviews!

Disclaimer: I don't own Maria-sama ga Miteru. Don't sue me please.

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**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Third…Reich?**

The Shimazu residence was the picture of ruin. Cracks and fissures on the walls in all dimensions, scattered books, broken china and pottery littered over the floor, three panicking Lilian girls trying to piece things together…What was happening to the world? Since when did Catholic schoolgirls have to ironically fend off from the fate of being purged by the evil spirits of the Virgin Mary? Why, since now, of course.

"…Yoshino-chan, you're not worried about Rei-san?" asked the only blonde in the trio, Satou Sei. She was trying to direct Yoshino's attention away from killing her and Yumi for the damage that was wreaked onto the Shimazu residence. They were lucky Yoshino's parents had embarked on an overseas business trip. If they had been there to see the madness…

"Y-Yeah…I mean…it's our fault for leading Maria-sama here…but I didn't expect her to—mmph!?" Yumi's mouth was covered wildly by Sei's hand. But, the damage was done. Yoshino realized what Yumi had said was _entirely_ true.

That night, only the roaring thunder could block out Yumi and Sei's cries and pleas for mercy.

--

Shimazu Yoshino was having just a _wonderful_ night. The living room of her house was in shreds. Her senor punched her in the face. She smacked two of her friends silly. She didn't even get to pull any kendo moves. How _wonderful_. Just _wonderfu_l.

Shimazu Yoshino wanted _revenge_. She grabbed her kendo shinai from the wall and tied a black bandana to her forehead to cover up the new bruise there, and to, more importantly, look a little more intimidating. With the long black trench coat she threw onto herself, the shady shades stuck over her eyes, and the 'everyone's out to get me, so I'll kill them all first' mindset welded into herself, Yoshino really _did_ look like a Yakuza lackey…or an extra from the Matrix…

Yoshino kicked her two unconscious prisoners of war awake and thrust a crowbar and a baseball bat, both taken from her very own anti-burglary closet, onto the ground before them. Oddly enough, she even tossed two extra pairs of matching shades and two equally malevolent trench coats their way.

"…Y-Yoshino-chan…Uh…we don't have time to play '_The One_'…" Sei said groggily as she rubbed the back of her head where Yoshino's foot soccer kicked her. She looked towards Yumi and found her face ridden with amusement. _Yumi…You and your damn estrogen induced mood swings…_

"Shut up and put those on! We're gonna hunt down Maria-sama and beat the shit out of her!" Yoshino swung her shinai at the wall nearest to her to reinforce her vendetta. What was left on the wall was a gaping hole a bamboo sword should _not_ have been able to make. Seeing that Yoshino was on terminator mode, Yumi and Sei quickly complied.

"Damn! Yumi-chan you're sexy!" Sei couldn't help but take advantage of this moment. She side stepped towards Yumi and swiped the ribbons from the shorter girl's hair. Russet brown locks of hair fell smoothly against her back as Yumi cast her eyes downward with a blush. The shades were a little too big for her, so they drooped down a bit. Even Yoshino stared a little at her friend's cuteness.

" Er…whatever…Eh-hem!" Yoshino cleared her throat and put one foot forward, "I hearby proclaim the three of us—"

"Wife, Wife and Wife!!" interjected Sei with her usual grin. Yoshino kicked up a book from the floor, caught it, and threw it at Sei, who masterfully dodged it without losing the grin. She was as used to it as Rei was. Well, not really. Rei had it worse; she had to dodge fangs and knives.

"Rrr!! No! We are…!" Yoshino took a deep, confident breath, " The T.H.I.R.D. R.E.I.C.H.!!"

A quirky silence immediately followed. Yumi could have sworn she saw tumbleweed skitter by. Sei felt the corner of her eye twitch in synch with Yumi's.

"We're not Nazis, you know…" Is what Yumi was about to say before Sei beat her to it with her own version.

"Hail HITLAAAH YOSHINOOO!! S_EIG HEIL!! SEIG HEIL!! SEIG HEI_—" Sei, saluting Yoshino the way a Nazi would and hailing in a pretty good German accent, was silenced in the act of dodging a dozen more hurled books.

"No, damnit!!" Yoshino roared in time with a burst of thunder to add to the effect. " It stands for the," she inhaled a lungful of air, "**T**hree **H**eathens **I**n **R**abid **D**eclaration **R**eadily **E**nthralled **I**n **C**apturing _**H**__er_!"

"Who's _Her_?…and you just put in random words to spell that out, didn't you?", questioned Sei. She was dying with laughter on the inside, but didn't let it show for fear of being gutted and used as Mary bait by Yoshino. Sei knew damn well who _Her _was and that Yoshino probably did use the word play thing on purpose. But, Sei was Sei. She had to test the waters with a six-foot boulder.

"Shut up!", Yoshino dismissed Sei's question and pointed towards the crap fortified her front door, "And get that out of the way! Maria-sama will be brought to justice!! The violator will become the violated!!"

Yumi and Sei did their best not to laugh at how _wrong _that just sounded and busied themselves with the slave work Dictator Yoshino ordered them.

--

At the same time, just as the T.H.I.R.D. R.E.I.C.H. came into power, one poor soul implored the gods for mercy. She'd been saved to die another day by perhaps one of Maria-sama's greatest foes; Kashiwagi Subaru. _Now_, thought Hasekura Rei, _Maria-sama is sure to give me no less than oblivion!_ In Rei's mind Kashiwagi was the glaring red dot on Maria-sama's radar, just waiting to be vaporized by the death ray of the Bloody Mary.

Worse, Rei was in the back seat of the vehicle of an idiot who might have been a worse, more reckless driver than even Satou Sei. The three words 'I'm gonna die' replayed and rewound in Rei's mind like a record player broken beyond repair.

A voice to her side woke Rei from her pessimistic reverie. " Here we are… Sachiko-onee-sama's place.", said the drill girl. The sports car from hell screeched to an ear jarring halt in front of a simple, semi-large house. Rei recognized it as former Rosa Chinensis Ogasawara _Sachiko's_ residence and not the colossal mansion at the Ogasawara estate. This was where Sachiko decided to go after her engagement with Kashiwagi was called off when he so loudly proclaimed his homosexuality. Sachiko was more than happy at the sudden turn of events and moved away from the Ogasawara estate to 'study in a less distracting environment', Sachiko had reasoned. She now attended Lilian University with Rei and Sei, who could sometimes be seen around Kei. _Funny how our names rhyme like that_, thought Rei, _Ha, ha…Yumi was so happy when all of this happened. Though, I wonder, has she picked up some of Sei's habits? I don't think that grope at the conference was all too accidental…_

"Rei-sama, come on!" called Matsudaira Touko, the infamous drill girl. Rei, calm enough to speak again, replied.

"Why are we here? We can't just give Sachiko trouble and lure over Maria-sama."

Kashiwagi anwsered her. "Don't worry. Sa-chan and I have been eluding Maria-sama's grasp ever since it all began."

"Wait…what do you mean?" Rei was stumped, and Touko came out of the dark.

"This all started about a week ago when the Maria statue at Lilian University went berserk. We knew it would happen to the statue at the other Lilian if we didn't get out hands on it.", explained the drill girl.

"But," Kashiwagi continued, "the Lilian University statue has been relentlessly after us this whole while, so we didn't make it to the other Lilian in time." Rei didn't understand the whole mess completely, but she did make out one thing; There were _two_ blood thirsty Maria-sama statues on the loose, and they were _all _going to die. Before Rei could confuse and depress herself further, Kashiwagi signaled towards the house.

"Now, let's stop counting raindrops and go bother Sa-chan." Kashiwagi, Touko and a reluctant Rei steped out of the car and approached what wonders lie in store for them in the capable hands of Ogasawara Sachiko.

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A/N: shinai- bamboo sword used in kendo. 'seig heil'- hail victory in German. The Nazis often said this when Hiter gave his speeches and such. 

So, how was it?...good?...bad?... ORZ...Are my chapters too short? Does Rei seem OC? I think anyone would panic at an evil statue looking to kill you but...


	4. Fourth Limit

A/N: Reviewers, I love you. Here, free crack for everyone!!...No, but seriously, I don't do that. Why do drugs when you can give sexy yuri hugs? Hm? I'm just high off of all the ShizNat and Marimite angst I've been reading. Damnit, I need something happy!

**guubear**- that Matrix/Yakuza/Marimite poster is what I used as my inspiration! It's hawt. That and all the wacked up Marimite fanart around. (i.e; Jedi Yoshino cross lightsaber)

Disclaimer: No.I don't own it. Are you _trying_ to make me cry?

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**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Fourth Limit**

Ogasawara Sachiko was stressed beyond her limit. She paced the floors of her house, her form almost gliding with the grace she never seemed to lose in any given situation. Many things uneased her. She had just learned of the second Maria-sama's awakening and that there were now _two_ rampaging statues seeking to slaughter any Lilian girls they could find. Sachiko chuckled for a moment when she realized that Maria-sama saw Kashiwagi Subaru as a 'Lilian girl'. But, the slightly amused laugh was soon followed by a frustrated sigh as she imagined two Maria-sama statues tailing an arm flailing, Amazon-River-crying Yumi. A hand to her shoulder halted Sachiko's anxious pacing.

"Sachiko-sama. We can't just sit here idley anymore. Shimako and I can't ward Maria-sama off forever!" The gentle hand and firm voice belonged to Nijou Noriko. Her midnight black eyes stared straight at the former Rosa Chinensis with adamant resolve. Sachiko was almost jealous of Noriko's readiness to pounce into action at this moment of crisis.

Hasekura Rei, Matsudaira Touko, Kashiwagi Subaru, and Todo Shimako stood off to the sides of Sachiko and Noriko. When Rei, Touko, and Kashiwagi arrived, information was quickly relayed to Sachiko and White Rose souers. Rei still had almost no idea what was happening. She wondered if she was faring any better than Yoshino…

--

"Ahh! Hah…hah…! Yumi-chan…!…haaahh…Yumi-chan!!"

"Sei-sama!! N-no…!…W-wait for…! Aaahh!…Wait for me…!!…aaahh…nnngg!"

"GOD DAMNIT!! Quit sounding so suggestive and run faster!! You can fuck later!!"

"Y-Yoshino-chan!"

"Hah…haha…d….don't be jealous…Yoshino-chaaan!…ha…hah…! You can…haaah!…join us too!!"

"NO!!…huh?!…Oh, _shit!!_ She's pickin' up the pace!! Go, _Go_, GO!!"

Ho, ho, was Yoshino glad she got that heart surgery two years ago! Rei didn't know how _much _better she was faring than Yoshino and her two slaves! The T.H.I.R.D. R.E.I.C.H. who had planned to turn the tables on Maria-sama had the table snapped snapped before them when their weapons and tactics were found ineffective against the ghastly statue. They heard the statue of Mary throw names at them from behind.

_PERVERTED OLD MAN, BITCH LESBIAN TOMBOY, SQUEALING RACCOON!! YOU WILL ALL DIE!!_

"ahh…haaaah...Yumi's a raccoon!!…Hah…ha, ha…! Yoshino's a BLT…!…Bacon, lettuce…ha…ahh…tomato!!…" Sei was wheezing now, but she wouldn't let that stop her teasing.

"S-Shut UP!! And isn't _Sei_ the lesbian?! Damnit, get your sources right!!" Yoshino didn't seem fazed by the mile long run at all.

"Ha, ha…! Let me…haah…eat you!!" Sei got to the point of hacking as she ran. Her body was fit, but the chase pushed them all to their limits and beyond.

"_NO!!_ I'm not gay!!" Yoshino barked back.

"H-huh?…ha...haaah…aren't we all though…? "...surprisingly, Yumi was the one to whip out the words.

"Y-Yumi-chan…! Ha, ah…I can't believe…haha…_you_ said that…!!" Sei was amused to no end. She'd be sure to glomp Yumi later.

"Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!! Look, there's a curve up ahead!" A droplet of sweat rolled down from Yoshino's face and quickly got washed away by the rainfall. The three stumbled forward but kept their pace as the street curve came closer and closer into reach. Fatigue was catching up them at last. They thought it could _not_ have gotten any worse.

**BANG!!**

They were wrong. An explosion erupted from the upcoming curve. Yoshino, Yumi and Sei stopped in their tracks and observed the situation ahead, each gasping for air. A familiar, deadly stomping sound could be heard though the smoke and flames that danced into the night. A distinguishing scarlet, radiating light beamed from the crackling hellfire.

"Son of a…" Yoshino paused to gape at the newest Maria-sama that emerged from the ruble. The Mary statue ahead rushed at them at full speed as the Bloody Mary behind them closed in for the kill. The lives of each girl flashed through their eyes. Yumi remembered all of her moments with Sachiko. Yoshino recounted all the asses she still had yet to kick…Sei felt the breasts of every girl she'd ever groped.

The shadows of the statues loomed over them. The end was near…!

**BOOM!**

A bike flew from the mixture of smoke, rain, and flames. It landed perfectly with a loud 'clank' and zoomed forward. Following its entrance was a red _Maserati_ _Quattroporte_ V that raced through the twisting fires. The bike swirved between the Mary statues as its driver swooped up Yumi by the waist and plopped her onto the back of the bike in one swift, terribly dangerous motion. The bike sped away with a confused and frightened Yumi as the sports car revved up its engine. The blindingly flashy speed vehicle braked recklessly and spun out, sending sparks and murky rainwater flying everywhere until it stopped beween the two learing statues. Just then, the doors at each side of the car flung open, spraying Sei and Yoshino with wetness. Two girls clad in the Lilian uniform at both sides of the vehicle leaned out as each shot out an illuminated paper sutra onto both Mary statues. The statues were shaken and paralyzed by some unearthly electrical current that was strewn from the little papers. That moment of forced armistice was taken as an opportunity to snatch Yoshino and Sei from the street and into the car…but was the madness really over?

--

Ogasawara Sachiko sat calmly at the modest kitchen of her residence, busy with her work. She wore her Lilian uniform once again or the first time since she graduated earlier that year. Her group of Maria-sama renegades decided that it would be easier to identify fellow Lilian girls if the uniform was worn. It was also their way of showing that they would aid any girls who fled from Maria-sama's march, as all who were hunted by her statues were one in the same.

A smile crept to the corners of Sachiko's mouth. She had sent some of her friends to 'pick up' Yumi, Sei, and Yoshino in the area Rei had been with them last. _Soon_, she thought, _soon, I'll get to see Yumi…and also, we'll finally be able to attack…_

Sachiko finished loading the last bullet into the M-16 rifle's magazine and proceeded to clean the two 9mm caliber Brigadier handguns on the table. She glanced across the table and watched Rei wax the wakizashi in her hands. Its blade was sharpened to a killing point. Rei caught Sachiko's glance and smiled at her.

"Ready to play _Marimix_?"

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A/N: Good God, I'm tired...It's 4:41 AM over here...Review please...and...G'night... 


	5. Fifth Raid

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! And double thanks to the reviewer who corrected my crappy German. Also, to the reviewer who asked where Youko is, she's in someone's closet. Seriously. Just pray it isn't Kahiwagi's. And, Yumi will be kicking ass and taking names when she regroups with Sachiko later.

Updates will come slower btw, sorry. Family reunion and such. Brothers who won't leave you alone. orz...Oh, yeah, and I wonder if anyone's caught on with Kahiwagi Sugu--...I mean, 'Subaru's' name... There's a reason for that, no worries.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mariasama ga Miteru, or the song "I Feel Pretty".

* * *

**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Fifth Raid**

Satou Sei was in a heaven within hell. She was jammed between her former petite souer, Todo Shimako, the fiery spirited Nijou Noriko…and the BLT. Being situated between her vulnerable prey in the compact space meant for only two passengers was the heaven. The hell was being in the backseat of Kashiwagi Subaru's satanic ride with the girl she deemed Mechanical Drill Girl at the front passenger seat. Matsudaira Touko squinted her eyes back at Sei whenever Sei's hands 'slipped' to certain areas during the sports car's full throttle curve drifts.

"Gahh!! Bastard!! This isn't _Initial $#_!!" Yoshino whelped suddenly, "_Satou!! _Keep your face off of my—AARRRG!!" Next came the hands. Sei's pervy little hands.

"Ooh…Yoshino-chan's a pirate! Arrg! Shall I pillage your poopdeck?" With a frantic 'EH?!' from Yoshino, Sei was shoved towards Shimako and, furthest from Sei's reach, Noriko. She could _feel _Touko's eyes stab her though the rear view mirror. Wrapping her arms around Shimako, who didn't seem to mind the contact, Sei stared right back at Touko through the mirror. Noriko wondered if Sei could ever succeed in molesting the girl. Shimako never really seemed to care what Sei did to her…until Sei started getting **bold**…er. (Pun)

Touko shot her a Maria-sama-like glare.

"Hmm…? What? You wanna be a part of my harem too? There's nothing wrong with coming out…of the clos…et…?" Sei's voice trailed off as her eyes slipped towards the driver of the speeding vehicle.

No one questioned why Kashiwagi Subaru was in a dress.

--

Gripping the waist of the black Kawasaki ZX-7RR's driver, Fukuzawa Yumi scooted herself closer against the back before her. Without a helmet on, Yumi would surely die if the bike were to crash into something. Dear God, where were all the cops?

"You have really bad luck with the rain, huh, Yumi-san?!" The biker had to yell over the engine to get her words across.

"Ah…Y-yeah…Ehh…K-Kei-san…?" Kato Kei only heard a mumble. Yumi was fidgeting behind her. It was pouring rain, Yumi was on a bike probably breaking every speed limit on the road, plus ten, and Kei couldn't wear her glasses under the side-view restricting mortorcycle helmet she wore. She had no contact lenses either. Yumi tried to ignore that she was dangling on a thread between life and death. Again.

"Yumi-san, guess where we're going!" yelled Kei. Yumi tightened her grip on Kei's waist as she turned the bike on a curve. When the biker heard another mumble as a response, she went ahead and told Yumi.

"E-EHHHHHH?!!" The rest of Yumi's incoherent words were lost in the rain.

--

Everyone arrived at the walkway to Ogasawara Sachiko's house at the same time. Yoshino, Sei, Shimako, Noriko, Touko, and Kashiwagi Subaru regrouped with Yumi and Kei at the doorstep. Yumi stared at Kashiwagi's dress, her temple jerking uncontrollably. Boy, was she glad _her_ Sachiko-sama didn't have to marry this guy…But, other than the cross dressing, something made Yumi feel uneasy…as if her senses were screaming at her _not_ to go into that house.

The stifling silence returned. No one made a move.

"…" The rain seemed to fall harder.

"…Huh, I'll…" Touko's hand reached for the doorknob, "...open th—Ah!" Her hand was slapped off by Yumi's. "O-Onee-sama…?" A shadow seemed to emphasize the dark look on Yumi's face. She held up her weapon from the formation of the T.H.I.R.D. R.E.I.C.H.; a crowbar. Yumi spoke in a hushed voice.

"Before we came here…what kept the Maria-samas from entering this place?" The grip on the crowbar tightened. Sei and Yoshino looked liked they wanted to know too. Noriko shivered.

"Hm? Shimako and I were obstucting a ward…" _'uh-oh'_, thought the two Buddhists. The company felt Maria-sama statue esque vibes transmitting from Yumi's masked stare.

"…And…what's keeping that ward up now…?" Yumi's lips curled into a smile. And not a happy smile.

"…" Noriko winced. _Oh, Buddha, is this karma? For that one time under the sakura tree when…_

"…" Shimako knitted her eyebrows together. _Oh…karma, is it?…because…that…tree_..._and_...

"…" Yoshino slapped her hand against her forehead. _Idiots…_

"…" Sei sighed. _Aww, crap_..._I'd make a joke about how everyone's wet, but_...

"..." Kei blinked. _Something stupid just happened, I'll bet._

"…" Touko rubbed the back of her stinging hand. _I'll just say it wasn't my idea to have those two come along…y-yeah…hehe…_

"…" Kashiwagi's face showed no emotion, contrary to his inner thoughts. _I. feel. **pretty**!! Oh so **pretty**!! I feel **pretty** and **witty** and **GAY**!! And I pity!!! Any girl who isn't me today!!…_

(…Let us ignore Kashiwagi's irrelevant thoughts, shall we?)

Thrashing noises and distant clanging could be heard within the house. None of the lights were on either, it seemed. Yumi's facade changed completely. Her mind echoed, 'save Onee-sama, or die trying. And then she'll owe you a..._favor_'. It didn't matter that they were no longer souers. Yumi was still secretly a Sachiko-sama fangirl. And Sachiko's fangirls are scary…

Yumi slowly twisted open the brass knob on the door and steeled herself for what was to come.

--

The sound of gunfire rang through Sachiko's ears. Droplets of sweat rolled down her now unhealthily pale skin and fell with an unheard 'plat'. This critical situation, this whole unorthodox ordeal…it would have surprised the university student at first. But, then again, how much more can one be surprised when running around in a pitch-black basement while opening fire on a soul-reaping statue? In a move that voiced her opinion on orthodox Catholics, Sachiko whipped around the corner of an aisle of old crates and pulled the trigger.

_Wheeeerree…iiissss…heeee…?_

Sachiko ignored the crackling voice of the statue and shot until the magazine of her rifle emptied out completely. The statue only advanced as the bullets disintegrated on its smooth surface. In this way, it wasn't long before the last shell hit the ground and flicked away into the darkness. Then, the game of cat and mouse repeated with Sachiko running down the isles and walkways of the obstacle-blessed basement, and the statue thunderously chasing. Sachiko had never been more grateful for having such an eccentric home.

"Rei! I'm out of ammo!" Sachiko yelled to the ceiling, hoping her voice would carry to where ever the former kendo captain was. Lucky for her, a fresh, fully stocked M-16 magazine slid across the smooth cement floor and stopped at her feet. Sachiko swiped it up, threw out her empty mag and thrust the new one in. All the while, she heard the thumping and cracked hissing drawing nearer.

_Thhaaat…maaan…thaaaaaat…littttle…giiirrll of a……_

A flash of light caught Sachiko's eye. She peeked from the corner of an low crate and saw Rei strike the statue from behind with the blade of the wakizashi. It was nearly knocked out of her hands when it bounced off of the stone idol. But, for some unknown reason, the statue did not mind Rei and only continued its pursuit of Sachiko. Both girls stared at the shadow-veiled statue with shock and curiosity. It was then that they noticed a strange difference in what they had expected.

Why was this statue so…plump?

* * *

A/N: This chapter is sort of light on crack, I know. That's cause it's supposed to be an adventure as well. Just...an adventure in a crack situation. I should rename this "The Crack Adventures of the T.H.I.R.D R.E.I.C.H. And the S.O.S. Brigade", but that would lead to much confusion. (What?? S.O.S. Brigade? I didn't say that...) Ah, funny how I keep listening to such a peaceful song like "Pastel Pure" (Marimite Intro) as I write this... 


	6. Sixth Sentai

**A/N:** Wahhh...67 views to ch.5, and just one review...Okay, okay, it was a bad idea to lighten up the crack...I was planning to save this part for ch.7...but...without crack, this story is nothing...Longer chapter because of slower update...Thank you revievers...I wuv you all...And thank you, readers who don't review, that I appreciate none the less! Also, I've been writing a SeixYouko Drama/??...but I'm not sure if I want to post it. It's wierd...

This picks up frrom ch.5 so...although it was boring, it might be good to give it a glance.

Disclaimer: I don't own Maria-sama ga Miteru, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Sailor Moon, or The Super Sentai (Japanese Power Rangers)...

* * *

**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Sixth Sentai**

"OH MY GOD!!" They were expecting Maria-sama…but what they got was Buddha, in all his rotund glory. Hasekura Rei and Ogasawara Sachiko couldn't have been more white-eyed. That is, until Yumi and her troupe stormed into the basement with crowbars, broken glass bottles, flower vases, and stools held over their heads in mock Super Sentai formation.

"Oh, God, why is so damn dark in here? Hit the lights!" someone said. The lights flickered on without further ado. Sachiko, Rei and the Buddha statue were straight down the first aisle the eight Yankee desperados saw, all in plain sight. Hell ensued.

"HOLY JESUS!! WHAT THE CHRIST IS THAT?!!"

"DEAR GOD!! IT'S BUDDHA!"

"OH LORD!! OH CHRIST!! IT _IS_ KARMA!!" Was that one Noriko or Shimako?

"OH, _GOD!_ OH _JESUS_, OH…_JESUS!!_ _THERE'S NO ONE ELSE!!!_" Now, that one was Yumi for sure.

"JESUS!! EVERYONE QUIT SCREAMING!!"

"DAMNIT, STOP SAYING 'JESUS' OR HE'LL COME DOWN HERE TOO, JESUS!!…AW, SHIT!!" No doubt that voice was Sei.

"Uhm…" At the opposite side of the Super Yumi Sentai, Sachiko and Rei broke out in cold sweat. Rei scratched her head and glanced at Sachiko, taking the opportunity to inch away from the Buddha statue that remained still for some reason.

"We're _really_ orthodox, aren't we?" Rei said, tugging on Sachiko's sleeve to get her to follow in toe while the eight thug impersonators continued bickering and crying out the names of whatever gods they could think of. Sachiko picked out 'Apollo', 'Orochi', 'Zeus', 'Freya', 'Nemausicae', and in a series, she heard Sei shout adamantly, "Mercury! Venus! Mars! Jupiter! Saturn! In the name of the moon, _we shall punish you!!"_ Yeah. Sachiko was traumatized for life. Nothing could be worse, she thought. But really, by now, she should know better.

"SATAN!!"

Everyone gasped loudly. Silence engulfing the basement, all eyes turned to the bishounen in a dress. And then all hell broke loose, again. (No, it's not Satan.)

_YOOOUUUU…KASHI…WAGI…SU…GU…RU…!!_

"Su_gu_ru?! Need I repeat myself? My name is now Kashiwagi Su_ba_ru, the freest (she) man on the face of the Earth, born the day Sa-chan and I announced our immortal gay-ness!"

"Wh-What!? That is nonsense! I am not—"

"Gay? I'm telling you, we all _are_…" Yumi, who seriously had a point, interrupted Sachiko. Sachiko almost pouted.

Kashiwagi's voice rose in a crescendo as his speech progressed. "Sa-chan, there's no need to hide within the confines of your self-imposed closet!",

Somewhere, someplace, Mizuno Youko sneezed.

"Let us deny the catacombs of teenage angst! Let us run rampant with our sexually frustrated, hormonally steeped desires! Let us free the bounds of our fiery libidos and sway the youth to our every—"

STOMP!

Mid-rant, Kashiwagi Subaru was trampled by the ninja-silent Buddha. Now, the girls would have questioned how a ton-weighing statue could sneak up on someone like that but all inquisitions were dismissed when they remembered how two murderous, red-eyed Maria-samas chased them through the streets while degrading and insulting them.

"Thank you!" everyone applauded the Buddha statue at the same time. The statue didn't seem to mind. Actually, he seemed pretty jolly, if you don't count the fact that he T.K.O.'ed an unsuspecting (she) man in a dress.

_Ho, ho, ho, ho, HO! At last, the deed is DONE!! Ho. Ho. HO, HO!!_

"eh, heh, heh…" Noriko laughed nervously. "Isn't this the Buddha statue from Hanadera Academy?" The girls looked closer. Indeed, she was right.

"Huh? No kidding…", Sei leaned towards the statue, "So, I'm guessing the two Maria-samas are after Lilian girls because of all the lovey dovey stuff that goes on under sakura trees, right?"

Shimako and Noriko both sneezed…for some reason…

Sei grinned and continued with her theory, "Then Buddha was after Kashiwagi because he promotes illicit boys-love at all-boys-schools?…Even though he graduated from that place two years ago…So…I'm thinking, he kept with tradition and turned the guys at Hanadera University gay…or, tried to entice Yuuki-san into his closet…" everyone looked impressed at Sei. In a strange, _strange_ way, it sort of made sense.

Deciding that the Buddha statue wasn't out to whack anyone but Kashiwagi, the nine reunited Lilian girls headed upstairs to figure things out.

--

"Okay…so, Sa-chan, you're pretty hot with those guns?" Everyone sat at the living room where a long, western-styled meeting table was stationed. At one end was Sachiko and at the other was Sei. Yumi and Touko sat to Sachiko's left and right sides, while Shimako and Noriko did the same for Sei. Yoshino and Rei were left at the middle at opposite sides, facing each other…Kei, having no place to sit, was seated atop Sei's lap.

"Sei-sama, _do you want to die?_"

"Eh?" The room froze.

"Eh, uh,…no, I mean…" Sachiko quickly scrambled for words and dismissed her earlier threat with a proper smile, "Please refrain from calling me that."

"Uhm…o-okay…" Sei couldn't help but feel as if Sachiko were strangling her with her eyes. She shivered, and nestled Kei closer against her. Now that the ice around the room thawed, the girls discussed the turmoil.

Bringing her hands down upon the maple table, Yoshino got straight to the point. "Okay, first, why the hell did Maria-sama decide to fuck with _us_? I mean, Lilian girls have been having humping each other like rabbits since, like, the beginning of time! So why didn't she go death-glare those horny schoolgirls from back _then_?"

Trying her best to conceal the wide blush on her face, Sachiko cleared her throat and answered, "Hm…Did you know that a ruby is actually just a chromium-saturated sapphire?…Well, let's say, the illicit 'things' Lilian girls have been 'doing' for the past several decades is the chromium…and the sapphire is Maria-sama."

"Yeah, I get ya…So, you're saying…after watching so much gay-porn held exclusively at Lilian, a Catholic girls school, Maria-sama finally went insane?" Yoshino said this in monotone. And then she exploded, "What the fuck?! If that were true for everyone, Sei would've gone psycho at the age of six!"

"Mmm, and Rei-chan too!" Sei cheered. Rei made a weird sound. "Oh, come on, you've probably had all these 'eloping to a far off island and screwing your cousin because society won't let you' fantasies since you were two!" Rei squirmed in her seat…as if she's been found out…

"…"

"Okay!! Next question!" Yumi yelped out.

"Ye…yeah! D-don't change the subject!" blurted Rei.

"R-right…uh…Question two! Why do you have two Buddhists pulling out anti-spirit barriers out of their asses like it was nothing?! Why not a priest or something, you're Catholic!" Yoshino the Inquisitor kept inquiring. Sachiko, Noriko, Shimako, Touko and Kei sighed. Yumi took a guess.

"…Eh…Sachiko-sama…you didn't try to get a father from the church did you…?" Yumi assumed she was correct when the five girls sighed deeper.

"Yes…we told them our story, they screamed 'blasphemy!', and then they slapped us and rolled us down the stairs…" Sachiko didn't like to bring that up, probably.

"Wh-what?! They slapped you!? Who did it?! Who?!!" Yumi slammed her fists against the table, making it shake like a Mexican salsa dancer. Touko was _not_ going to try to comfort her Onee-sama. Not when Yumi was so delusional with rage that she would've stabbed the Pope.

"My, isn't Yumi-chan the possessive one. Now if only I could get Youko out of the—" Sei was interrupted when she heard a bang upstairs and someone familiar stomped done the stairs.

"Who's making me sneeze so much?!"

"Ah! Youko! You were in _Sachiko's_ closet!" Sei abruptly stood, causing Kei to topple over and grope the air for balance. In her wild flail, she grabbed something soft and saved herself from falling…Everyone looked to the hand over Sei's chest. Youko fumed and marched towards Sei.

"Uh, no, no! It's not what you're thinking! I wasn't cheating on y—!"

BANG!

--

"Alright. We've got a barrier thingy that Noriko and Shimako can make for some reason…because they're Buddhists…and…Youko here, was in Sachiko's closet mapping out our next course of action…in a closet…Yumi just got dual Brigadier handguns, Sachiko's got an M-16 rifle, and Rei just gave me a wakizashi…The rest of you have…German grenades and pistols…" In their discussion, a lot happened since Youko smacked Sei and tied her up into a corner. The girls were given their weapons for the Marimix attack (Their name for the upcoming battle against the Maria-samas), and they were now forming an alliance between the Lillian Academy and Lillian University students. Yoshino was going through what happened since Sei was beat and lassoed.

"So…why can't we keep the T.H.I.R.D. R.E.I.C.H.?!" Yoshino was pissed when she was stripped pf her dictator status.

"Because we'll have the U.N. on our asses if we go parading around Japan with that name!" Touko replied. For last half-hour, the Lilian girls were debating on what they should name their crafty alliance…

"I got it!" Yumi stood upright with glimmering eyes. "The S.O.S. Brigade!"

Another eerie silence. Tumbleweed was becoming a pretty common stage prop by now.

"Yumi, I thought I told you not to watch so much Haruhi in one sitting…" Sachiko sighed. The others giggled at the name, recalling the Melan$#ly of Haruhi Suzu#$.

"N-No! It stands for the **S**uper **O**nee-sama **S**entai Brigade!" Yumi explained how 'brigade' was said in English. The others got the idea and praised Yumi's thoughtfulness.

"Wait, wait…doesn't 'sentai' and 'brigade' mean the same thing?" Youko caught. "Wouldn't it be silly to be known as the Super Onee-sama Sentai Sentai, or Brigade Brigade?"

"Uhm…well…" Youko could see Yumi's disappointment that the name didn't work…So, being Yumi's former Onee-sama's former Onee-sama, Youko let it slide.

"No, it's fine. We are…" Youko trailed off and everyone got the message. On cue, they all shouted,

"…the S.O.S. Brigade!!"…and thus, the T.H.I.R.D. R.E.I.C.H. disbanded and the S.O.S. Brigade was formed.

-The End-

Not!

TBC…

* * *

A/N: Youko!!...Okay, it's okay if it doesn't make sense. Just let the crack seep in... 


	7. Sixth Seventh Half Filler

**A/N: _HWWWAAAH!!_** Okay, now that I've got your attention (because a lot of people skip authors notes)...Thanks for the rewiews! And thanks for reading. This chapter is basically the calm before the storm, so it's only light humor. It's like ch.6.5. (Filler Chapter)

**crazyhorse:** Thanks for going back to review! Don't worry about Kashiwagi. He'll be back...Oh, and I'm glad I didn't offend you! I'm Buddhist too.

**guubear:** Um...You gave me this weird idea actually...It involves Sei, Kei, and Youko in one of the future chapters...and it involves a multicolored cube and the name 'Continuum Transfunctioner'...sorry. I know it's probably not what you meant by "sei/kei/youko solves problems, you know"...but...they'll be solving...for their lives. Thanks for reviewing every chapter thus far!

* * *

**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Sixth Seventh Half**

Mizuno Youko rose from bed early and sore. Everywhere hurt; Her eyes, from lack of a good night's rest, her limbs from the constant pacing and sketching of S.O.S. Brigade operations, and more immediately, her throat, from the hours and hours on end without a single drop of liquid to quench her thirst. Suffice to say, Youko was in a sour mood. Restless, she climbed down the stairs of Sachiko's house, her back aching all throughout the process. With one hand massaging her tender throat, Youko made her way to the kitchen, hoping to find something to ease the feeling of wry throbbing.

"Mn. Youko." Sei was seated at the kitchen table, wearing a relaxed face. A slightly steaming teapot rested before her, and two elegantly simple teacups stood abreast their sibling ceramic piece. Youko felt a rise of humidity in the air at the presence of the tea's pungent aroma. "Here," Sei said, handing a cup of her brew to her companion, "it'll help you wake up."

Youko took the cup and murmured something thankful to Sei while unconsciously bringing the substance to her lips.

She retracted it in an instant, wincing at the bitter taste.

"White tea…? Were you waiting for someone…?" (White tea can sit longer than green or black tea before becoming bitter)

"Mm," Sei agreed, "She's usually punctual too. I wonder what kept her, that meddler." Youko smiled a tiny smile and downed the rest of her drink. Without anything but tealeaves saturating the liquid, it tasted horrible, but it soothed her throat, and it _did _wake up the rest of her lagging body. She pulled the chair next to Sei's and took a seat, placing the cup on the table.

"I drank from that one, you know." Sei said with a grin.

"Aah." Youko didn't look particularly interested. Outwardly, she seemed bored. Inwardly, only God knows.

"Ne, perhaps you would have preferred a _direct_ kiss then?" Sei reached out her arm and touched a stray lock of Youko's short, midnight-black hair. She used two fingers to twist the hairs idley, an amused expression becoming apparent on her face. Her gray eyes never once strayed from Youko's.

"Why can't you be serious for once?" despite the cold tone of her words, Youko felt herself fluster unwillingly at Sei's actions. Her pink and red complexion only deepened at the blonde's next words.

"I am." A hand touched the bottom of Youko's chin and brought her face to level with Sei's. Languidly, Sei leaned forward…

…

"EYAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Both girls jumped out of their seats and ran upstairs to the source of the deafening cry. Arctic chills crawled through their bodies and shot unpleasantly down their spines.

--

"What's wrong!?" Sei and Youko tackled the door and entered the room dramatically, diving in and rolling through. Inside, they found Nijou Noriko lying in a pool of blood with her body sprawled over the carpet.

"Oh my God! Noriko!!" Youko ran to the girl's unmoving form and inspected it, searching for the wound. However, Sei gave the scene a second glance. She burst into laughter shortly after.

Youko glared at Sei with disbelief. "Sei! How can you be so…!?"

"Ha, ha, ha, ha! R-relax Youko! Ha, ha! Oh, God, ha, ha!!" Sei took Youko by the shoulder and turned her towards a towel-clad Shimako, looking as if she'd just gotten out of the shower. The still-wet towel was wrapped form-fittingly around her, and beads of steaming water rolled down her face, arms, and thighs. She stood at the front of the shower-room door, trembling with a shocked look on her face.

"Ha, ha, ha!! The girl won't die of a nosebleed!" Sei motioned towards Noriko, slapping her hand against her lap in the fit of laughter.

"…wh-wha…? Nose…bleed…?" Youko grimly twisted her head in the fallen girl's direction. Staring back and forth between the two Buddhists, it didn't take long for her to put two and two together. The expression Noriko wore was a rather giddy and stupid one.

Putting a hand to her forehead, Youko let out a sigh. "Shimako," she shook her head, "please use larger towels…" Figuring out the ordeal, Youko took Sei's arm, and got up to leave, almost literally dragging her companion along. A step away from the door, Sei's laughter caught in her throat completely.

Both girls pretended to be statues when they came face to face with a demon waken from her slumber; grumpy, low-blood-pressure-in-the-morning _Sachiko_.

--

Fukuzawa Yumi rubbed her eyes gingerly, meekly suppressing a yawn. She could have sworn she heard two screams from within the house. She shivered, hugging her knees together. The temperature doesn't usually drop a full twenty degrees for no good reason. Yumi looked to the other side of her bed to find it empty.

"Sachiko-sama?" Hearing another series of screams, understanding quickly flashed through Yumi's eyes.

_Only God can help them now…_she thought, and rose from her array of bed sheets and blankets to stretch. _Well, I better go calm down Sa-chan_. She giggled at the way she'd addressed her former Onee-sama and smoothened out the wrinkles on her Lilian uniform before leaving the room to enter the upstairs hallway.

As she passed through the hall's wooden floor planks, Yumi was halted by strange sounds coming from the door three rooms from hers.

"Aaah! Yoshino, not so fast!"

"Rei-chan! Nnng! That stuff's not gonna come out of you if we don't do it quickly!"

"But it hurts, you know…!"

"Oh, suck it up! We both know you like it when it hurts! That's why you never stop me from sticking things in you!"

"Wh-what!? Aah! H-hey! Yoshino! Ah! Aaahhhh!!"

"There! Press onto it like that! I'll go get the rubbing lotion!"

Yumi heard footsteps, and the door opened in front of her. She didn't see Rei back in the room, pressing a piece of cloth against her foot next to the several bloody tacks on the floor. Yoshino stood in before Yumi, wondering at all the weird faces Yumi was making. Yumi still had the wrong idea.

"…Yumi-chan." Yoshino thought she'd be blunt.

"E-Eh?"

Yoshino gave her a quick smile that meant mischief. "Wanna join us?"

"_EHH!??_"

--

Kei and Touko sat at the kitchen table, calmly sipping the rest of Sei's bitter tea. There was no chance of them sleeping any longer with all the noises they kept hearing upstairs.

"Feel left out, Touko-san?"

"Not really. You?"

"Mmm…nope"

"Okay."

There was a long silence…Touko was bored and needed to do something.

"Hey, Kei-san, look behind you" Touko pointed. Kei turned her head, unamused when she saw nothing. When she turned her head back towards Touko, however…

"T-Touko-san…l-look behind y-you…" Kei gulped.

"What? No way I'd fall for that…like you…did…?"

_BOO._

"EYAAAAA!!!"

Well, let's just say Buddha had his laugh for the day.

* * *

A/N: Reducing crack reduces my reviews...I know...but I needed Sei to show a little side of seriousness before I let her jump in front of bullets and such. Otherwise, it'd be too sudden...waah...woe is me... 


	8. Seventh Strategy

**A/N:**Oi! Sorry I took so long to update! I had a hard time with this chapter, on top of massive writers block...Anyway, Thanks for the reviews! Also, again, thank you for reading! This chapter is _almost_ like a second filler chapter but not really...because some of the strategies will appear again, and I was trying to forshadow stuff with the sun and all... Again, this chapter had less crack, I think, so...SORRY! Continuum Transfuntioner will probably be introduced next chapter...heh...heh...

This chapter is sort of the 'pacing' chapter, because I think it'd be weird for the brigade to go off into battle right after forming...

Disclaimer: I don't own Maria-sama ga Miteru or Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha.

* * *

**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Seventh Strategy**

Dawn. The sun had long hidden behind a haze of delicate twilight. Through the smoldering mid-summer sky, it peeked through every rift of its thin veil of clouds, almost as if it were signaling to Lilian Kindergarten in warning.

And just what _was_ Maria-sama doing while the S.O.S. Brigade was away?

"_Maria-sama no kokoro sore wa aozora_…"

**Maria-sama's heart is in the blue sky…**

It was a song all Lilian students knew…It was a song that even now, in this time of day, could be heard resounding by the walkways of Lilian.

"_Watashitachi wo tsutsumu hiroi aozora_…"

**The vast blue sky that envelopes us…**

It was a song that drew Maria-sama to Lilian's soon-to-be canvas of hell.

"_Maria-sama no kokoro sore wa kashinoki_…"

**Maria-sama's heart is in the evergreen…**

Bunched together in a ring of merriment and cheer, the group of Lilian kindergarteners did not see nor suspect the deadly shadow looming over them.

_Maria-sama ga heigei…hehhhh…hehhh…HEH…HEH…_

**Maria-sama is…glaring…?**

It took the children no less than a second to respond to the leering statue's crimson glare as it stomped audibly in place.

"YAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

_HA, HA, HAAAA!! You little spawns of the devil! Don't think you'll live long enough to become LETCHEROUS OLD MEN!!_

--

"Yumi!! Run! _Run away!!_"

"Wha--?!!"

"Fire in the hole!! Fire in the hole!!"

"…Eh?…EHH?!!

"_GRENADE!!_"

"OH MY_GOD!!_"

_**BOOM!!**_

"YUMI!!!"

"AHHHHHHHH!!"

"NOOOOOOO!!"

-GAME SET!

-WINNER: TEAM BLT

The two words pulsated from the overhead screen mercilessly. Yumi hung her head in shame for the seventh time in a row. Yoshino's team had beaten her team consecutively ever since the S.O.S. Brigade began their training in Sachiko's basement.

Yumi dropped her guns to her side and sighed depressingly.

"This laser-tag stuff is hard…" The indicator strapped to Yumi's chest flashed and sounded off. "H-hey! Who shot me?" Yumi turned around to see her own Sachiko pointing a rifle-shaped laser gun at her.

"Yumi…maybe we should take a break…" Sachiko lowered the plastic toy and confronted Yumi with an anxious smile.

"No, it's alright…" Yumi scratched her cheek and kneeled to pick up her dual toy-handguns. "But I wonder how Yoshino-chan can hit us so easily…" While the rest of the S.O.S. Brigade's training toys were gun-shaped, Yoshino and Rei's were sword-shaped. Other than her basic laser-censored-weapons, each brigade member was also equipped with a tool shaped like a German hand-grenade. When the hard-plastic device was thrown, and set off after a small wait-time, all indicators within twenty feet of an unobstructed area would flash, meaning the person wearing the indicator was 'dead'.

"Yoshino-san is used to fighting with that kind of weapon. Yumi, on the other hand, has never even held a gun before…"After the S.O.S. Brigade was formed, and the members' actual weapons were distributed, Sachiko had called for a raise of hands for those who had any prior experience with their instruments of war.

Surprisingly, all but Yumi and Kei raised their hands. 'What do you guys _do_ on your spare time?!' Yumi had yelled, honestly concerned. Yumi was a fast learner and had been able to handle her Brigadier Handguns with average success and average capability, but the others were like crazed wartime veterans. To compare Yumi or Kei to any of the other brigade members was like comparing a shitake mushroom to a Yetti.

"Mou…what was the Yamayurikai really like before my year…? Is there a reason why everyone's so…so…"

-GAME START!

-TEAM S.O.S. VS. TEAM BUDDHA

The automated voice of the laser-tag system on the basement ceiling cut off Yumi's speech.

"Wait!! Who set that up?!" Sachiko yelled. 'Team S.O.S.' was obviously the S.O.S. Brigade, but since when did Buddha have a team? Just as Sachiko was about to retort and probably call the session off, the mortifying sound of a statue's stomping shot through the aisle.

There, was the wise Buddha, an indicator identical to that of the S.O.S. Brigade members' tied to his forehead like a Yankee's bandana.

"Er…" Yumi stared blankly at the huge stone idol, wondering if it was a joke. Sachiko, on the other hand, raised her aimed rifle without a second of hesitation and fired at the obvious opponent, blatant annoyance blazing in her eyes. Yumi thought this was a great way to handle Sachiko's stress.

"Sachiko, don't you think this way suits our purposes better?" Youko's almost teasing voice called out from a loud speaker conveniently installed into the basement. _So Youko-sama is the mastermind behind this mass suicide attempt_. Yumi felt the blood from her face drain as the shots Sachiko fired were reflected and deflected off of the Buddha's smooth surface, spraying the basement with the paths of the beams of neon red.

**BEEEEEP!**

"Ahh! Sachiko-sama, you shot me again!" Yumi pouted as, just as she opened her mouth to speak, another one of Sachiko's ricocheting laser shots hit Yumi's indicator again…

**BEEEEEP!**

"S-Sachiko-sama!! You're doing that on purpose, aren't you?!" And again…

**BEEEEEP!**

"**SACHIKO-SAMAAAAA!!**" Yumi angrily jutted her two laser-tag handguns into Sachiko's side just as the Buddha statue came stomping forth.

In another aisle, Yumi heard Sei gasp sarcastically. "Is that Yumi-chan committing coup d'état I hear?!!"

"Sei-sama!!" she was about to reject, but found it hard to speak when Sachiko suddenly swept Yumi off her feet and rushed out of the way of the charging Buddha. Yumi thought it would have been romantic and all, if only Sachiko hadn't shot her once more before doing so. Now the action just left Yumi feeling light-headed and vexed that she didn't pop one in Sachiko when she had the chance.

"Alright! Sa-chan, lure him over to _this_ aisle!" Scoffing at Sei's stolen nickname for her, Sachiko complied. However, Yumi, picking up on the fishiness clouding Sei's tone of voice rebuked.

"No, wait a minute! Sachiko-sama put me down!!" Sachiko ignored Yumi's squirming and carried them both to Sei's aisle. "_I don't wanna die!!_"

Sachiko turned at the corner of the walkway and faced her destination with Buddha trailing just behind her. Buddha laughed and bellowed the first stanza of the song "Maria-sama no Kokoro" eerily.

_Maaaarrrrriaaa-samaaa no kooookorooo soreeee waaaa aozoRAAAAAHAHAHAA!!_

Sachiko stopped running when she saw _exactly_ why Yumi was so desperately trying to wriggle her way out of her hold.

Sei, Kei, Youko, Touko, Noriko, and Shimako were in pyramid formation, pointing their weapons straight down the aisle. Yoshino and Rei gave the order, standing to the sides with conviction in their eyes, saluting to their scapegoat sisters-in-arms.

"STARLIGHT BREAKER!!" they yelled in English as they fired their laser-tag guns all at once, causing the final appearance of the shot to look like one, super-massive, hot-pink laser beam.

"Eh?" Sachiko murmured as the light overcame her.

**BEEEEEEEEEEP!!**

-GAME SET!

-WINNER: TEAM S.O.S.

"YEAH!!" the _real_ coup d'état-ers cheered. Sachiko and Yumi now understood the reason for Sei's ironic sarcasm. They would have been enraged and hysteric, but they were too busy trying to get their blinded eyes to see again.

_In conclusion_, thought Yumi, _Sei and Youko are scheming tyrants, and lasers are dangerous…_

* * *

A/N: Can anyone guess which god/goddess/deity will appear in Japan next? She was trying to give the kindergarteners a warning at the beginning of the chapter. 


	9. Eighth Eh?

**A/N: **Thanks for the reveiws and lols. If you're bored, count the 'Eh's in this chapter, you'll be surprized. I was bored. VERY. Oh, and writers block is a disease I tell ya.

The deities in this fic have weird personalities that I made up. Don't go around preaching that they're psychotic, unless they are, like Chronus. (He ate his children!) You'll get slapped and rolled off the stairs of a monestary by super sentai nuns if you do!

Disclaimer: I don't own Maria-sama ga Miteru, Kannazuki no Miko, Mikuru Beam from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, or the Continuum Transfunctioner from the silly old movie "Dude, Where's My Car?", or Ah! My Goddess!

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Maria-sama Is Glaring: Eighth Eh? 

Takeshima Tsutako was irked. Incredibly so. Beating off curfew with the lens of her camera, she had decided to take a stroll in the night. 'Screw curfew! Curfew is just The Man's excuse to shield the world of darkness from the light of photographers' righteous shutters!' But, unfortunately, _no_. Takeshima Tsutako no longer thought this. Tsutako now wholeheartedly believed 'there are some things in this world better left unknown' with an emphasis on _some things_ and _better left unknown_.

"Dear God, what the hell are you plotting up there?!" As she clicked through the contents of her digital camera, Tsutako pondered whether or not her newest works should ever see the light of day.

Click.

A dozen kindergarten girls were panicking away from one, grisly statue that eerily resembled the Maria-sama statue at Lilian Academy. Their eyes were wide and they looked like they were screaming. A kindergartener's head obscures the sun from plain sight.

Click.

One of the girls stumbled onto the ground. The statue is in front of her, moving, it seemed, as there was a blur where the base of the stone idol was. The sun illuminates the Maria-sama statue from behind.

Click.

Tsutako winces as she recalls the moment captured in the picture. In it, she had been rushed and knocked out of balance by a kindergartener that was lucky enough to flee that far from the psychotic statue. As a result, Tsutako had accidentally snapped a shot of the leaking, orange sun. It so happened that, at the very moment the picture was taken, the lazy clouds around the sun had dispersed enough for one to view the fiery globe clearly.

"Mmm?…What in the world…is that?!" Upon inspecting the last picture more thoroughly, Tsutako discovered one _almost_ comedic detail she had not seen before.

In the smoldering, mid-summer sky, the sun was grinning widely down at Maria-sama. You know…Maria-sama, who should have been within the vast, blue sky. Maria-sama, who was actually just hunting little children in the twilight, right there, down on Earth.

Tsutako was so immersed in the picture of sun's Satou-Sei-like grin that she didn't notice the sudden glow behind her. How in the world could she _not_ notice the _god-like_ glow behind her?! Her shadow lengthened as it moved closer. The _stars_ were being engulfed in its radiance. By _God!_ There was a _god_ly, '_aah!!_' of a chorus behind her!

"_Oh, my. I'm gorgeous!"_

"AAH!!" Tsutako whirled around tumultuously to eye her 'attacker'. "AAAH!!" She shielded her eyes from the glaring light that immediately blinded her. She rubbed she eyes a bit, and waited for them to adjust to the light so she could see her 'attacker'. However, when she did…"AAAAH!!"

"_Ooh, ooh! I believe I know that one! Is it…AAAH! My Goddess!…?" _The voice was female, and slightly sanguine. _"Oh! Might you be a…ah…mmn…what do you humans call it?…hmm…ah!" _She seemed to find the word. _"Might you be an otaku?!"_

"E-EH?!" Tsutako did what any other teenage girl who was being 'attacked' by a glowing goddess did. She ran. And ran she did for her dear life!

"_Oh, wait for me, Miss Otaku! I have an inquiry for you!!" _The golden haired goddess watched 'Miss Otaku' run down the sidewalk for a bit. _"Ohhh, well…No harm in giving her a head start… Hehehe!! My, humans are so spirited nowadays!" _

And with that, yet another chase began.

--

"Eh, Ogasawara-san…"

"'Sachiko' is fine, Katou-san."

"Sachiko-san…is there always a glowing ball of light reminiscent to that of a _Mikuru Beam_ chasing down otaku cosplaying as paparazzi out there?"

"… … … WHAT?"

A dumbfounded Sachiko dropped her laser-tag gear on the guest room table and joined Kei in looking out the window. Fukuzawa Yumi, curious as well, viewed the spectacle with the other two Lilian students. The absent brigade members were upstairs 'doing things', as they had so casually stated.

"T-Tsutako!!?" Huh what? No honorific? This was no time for proper etiquette! Yumi raced out of the room and house, grabbing the crowbar next to the front door. Apparently, this was also not a time for proper weaponry.

Sachiko and Kei were about to bolt out the door to assist their brigadier Yumi when a booming voice nailed their feet to the floor planks.

_HO, HO, HO!!_

This was not a time for laughter!

_MERRY CHRISTMAS!! _

"…Eh?" Actually, it was, so decreed the great Buddha. Sachiko and Kei decided that if Buddha was cracking Christmas jokes at the peak of a 'crisis' in the middle of _summer_, then, there was no danger outside.

"Ahhh, Ogasa—…er, Sachiko-san?…You don't suppose that shining woman is…"

Sachiko heaved a heavy sigh and made a stress riddled sound of affirmation.

"Unless that is _not_ a busty, blonde bimbo cosplaying rather expertly as Kurusugawa Himeko, I think, by the end of the week, we'll have enough deities here to unleash our own multicultural Ragnarök…"

"O-oh…" Without pestering Sachiko as to why she was familiar with one of the lead characters of Kanna$ no M#ko, Kei offered some solid, practical advice. "We should recruit more brigade members." Kei didn't like the idea of dragging more hapless virgi—_innocent girls…_into this _heavenly _mess, but, with the addition of what looked to be the frickin' Shinto Sun Goddess herself into the ongoing war of the Marimix, Sachiko's premonition of the universe being torn asunder by a multicultural battle of the gods did not seem so far from reality. _Kami-sama,_ Kei pleaded inwardly, _Please, oh, PLEASE, scrap this horrible script you've resigned me to!_

Poor Kei cursed the day she had met Satou Sei and had been mercilessly dragged into the extended Yamayurikai's—no, the _Super Onee-sama Sentai Brigade's_ madness.

--

How was Yumi faring? Well…

"A-AMATERASU?!"

"_Why, of course! You didn't think I was old Mary gone blonde and busty, did you?"_

Tsutako and Yumi gaped at the literal Goddess that floated before them. Yumi swore she could hear someone laughing at her from Sachiko's window. The crowbar Yumi had taken as a weapon was lying on the pavement, ashes upon crisp ashes. What happened to it? Four words; Galactic Solar Death Ray.

"_It's not very nice to hit a perfectly harmless young lady over the head with such hazardous objects! Oohhh…" _The goddess rubbed a tiny speck of a scratch on her forehead. So, she was harmless, heh? And young too! _Why are all the _non_-psychotic gods so sarcastic?!_ Thought a shaken Yumi.

"_Ah, Miss Otaku, who is this…"_ Amaterasu eyed Yumi curiously…and then, much to the surprise of Tsutako and the two voyeurs at the window, the goddess let out a girly squeal of delight and hugged Yumi like a child would her favorite stuffed animal. _"Ooh! You must be Fukuzawa Yumi! Mary was right, indeed! You _ARE_ the epitome of cute!"_

"Eh?! Ehh?! EHHHH?!?" On the other side of the the nearest window, Ogasawara Sachiko was flaming with Green Fever, and Satou Sei couldn't help but feel that someone was mooching off of her merry employment obligation.

Tsutako coughed a bit and tried to regain her composure. While it wasn't out of the ordinary to see Yumi get cuddled senseless, it _was_ strange that Yumi was more terrified of the cuddling rather than the person, or should she say, goddess, who delivered the unadjourned skinship. She would probe Yumi about it later, she guessed.

"Umm, Amaterasu-sama…?"

The blonde looked up at Tsutako from the inviting hollow of Yumi's neck, pausing in the act of her nuzzling.

"_Yeeeeesss?"_

"What was…eh," At a second coming of Yumi's baby-dinosaur impersonation, Amaterasu once again indulged in her frolic. Tsutako tried to ignore the visible groping and the sound of another glasses wearing girl desperately trying to detain a fuming ex-Chinensis within the Ogasawara Sachiko residence. "Your question…?"

"_Oh!"_ The golden haired goddess clamped her hand over Yumi's protesting mouth sweetly and proceeded to speak. _"Do you know of a device called the uhmm…Continutum…er…Contenentim…Con…"_

"Continuum?"

"_Yes, of course! Continuum Transfunctioner!?" _

"Mmmf, mff, mmmnf?" Yumi mumbled.

"_Continuum Transfunctioner! It's a multicolored puzzle device that has the capability to destroy the universe! I bumped into Jesus on my way to visit Tsukiyomi-Onee-chan and accidentally dropped it somewhere over Japan! " _

Yumi and Tsutako had just one thing to say.

"EHH?!?"

* * *

A/N: EH?! 


	10. Ninth Title

**A/N:** I'm sorry this update took so long! There were some problems at home, and I went on a trip. So, yeah.

I thank you reviewers and readers for, well, reading and reviewing the last chapter! Also, the point of 'Eighth Eh?' for the title of Ch.8, and why I asked you to count the 'eh's if you were bored, was that there were actually a total of eight 'eh's in the chapter, not including the one at the Authors Note at the bottom. Sorry if that confused anyone.

**Devon-** I sent you the chapter 5, as you requested. Thanks for reading! (...Devon a.k.a...**Yaya-kun**? Or is that coincidence that you have the same names, I got faved by Yaya-kun, and anon reviewed by Devon, which is Yaya-kun's name by profile? XD I am just paranoid?? lol)

Disclaimer: I don't own it. Let me go sob in a corner now...

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**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Ninth Title**

In the midst of gunfire, it would be quite strange to hear the cry of a squealing dinosaur.

In the midst of Galactic Solar Death Ray beams…who knew, right?

Fukuzawa Yumi knew. By _God_, she _knew_.

"EEEIAAHH!! Stop shooting! _Stop shooting!!_" Yumi was screwed. Figuratively speaking, of course.

"Yumi! Dive down! We'll save you!!" Rounds upon rounds of deadly bullets whizzed past Yumi's body, all of which were fired with excellent marksmanship and calculated not to stray into Yumi's path of retreat. You see, psychopathic deities were becoming a somewhat familiar sight to the crew of the S.O.S. Brigade. And so, it should not have been too unexpected that, when the brigadiers stormed outside upon hearing the commotion downstairs and had thus been directed towards the cause of Ogasawara Sachiko's fury, all hell broke loose for the umpteenth time that week.

"Gaah!! What the heck are you guys doing?! And…Whoah!! This is _amazing!!_" After flailing her way out of the line of fire, Takeshima Tsutako immediately sought capturing the unworldly battle with the lens of her camera. Shutters were pressed almost just as often as triggers were being pulled, and lasers, launched.

"_Oh, my! This is really quite enjoyable! I haven't had this much fun since dear Allah declared a celebratory Jihad of pillows with Onee-chan and I!" _Amaterasu, Tsukiyomi, Allah, and a holy pillow-fight war? Was that possible? Was anything _not_ possible now that Japan had become the gods' playground? Again, who knew?

Why, Tsukiyomi and Allah did. But for now, both were elsewhere…

--

Buddha was enjoying his view of the lovely fireworks outside. He had heard about his good friend Amaterasu's ordeal. Surely, somewhere, the Continuum Transfunctioner must be in eccentric hands. Why eccentric? Well…it was his fifty-seven-thousand-two-hundred-and-sixty-sixth-sense, being a god and all. Pfft! Who needed just _six_ senses?

Then, suddenly, the basement door burst open, and into the living room stumbled a beaten, yet still smug, Kashiwagi Subaru.

"Free at _LAST!!_ HA!! Now, not even Buddha can keep me from ravishing my Yuuki-chi in the concupiscent brace of fiery lovelove!!"

And then he saw Buddha.

"…OH. Son of a…" As Kashiwagi cursed inwardly, Buddha met him with his jolly, mischievous grin…

_Ho, ho! Knock Knock!_

"Er…w-who's there…?" Kashiwagi gulped the biggest wad of doom impending apprehension he'd ever gulped. He knew that this would be one hell of a Knock-Knock Joke. The answer came.

_Interrupting cow!_

Hesitating for his life, Kashiwagi played his part, "I-interrupting co—" But before he could finish…

_**MOO!!**_

And so it was that the sound of a bone-crushing stomp filled the halls of Sachiko's house.

--

And now that that rather convenient interlude has passed, perhaps the struggle outside has been concluded?

"AAAAHH!!"

"_Hehehe! Oh my!"_ (A/N: Amaterasu's lines are italicized quotation marks _and_ words, by the way.)

"S-Sachiko!! Why are you still shooting!?!" Yumi and Tsutako had explained that Amaterasu had benign intentions and was not out for their blood. Amaterasu explained that she just liked to use her death ray. The fighting should have stopped since everyone understood this now. But still, Sachiko wore the look of the green-eyed-devil while emptying her rifle cartridge on the goddess, however harmless the bullets were to her.

When she ran out of ammunition, Sachiko reached for her grenade.

Seeing this, Yumi pulled a souer. "Onee-sama, I'm yours to molest anytime!!"

Sachiko stopped for a moment, as if considering. Blushing madly, Yumi went in for the kill and, in a quite uncharacteristically seductive tone, said, "…Onee-sama…I'll let you be on top…?"

In the span of no less than a second, Sachiko's hand retracted from the grenade at her side and instead thrust Yumi an agreeing thumbs-up.

The other S.O.S. Brigadiers were overcome by a paroxysm of laughter. Mizuno Youko, shoulders shaking from the action of merriment, applauded Yumi. "I always told you how well you could handle her!"

Sei playfully slapped Yumi on the back, resisting the urge to grab her, lest she be grenaded by Sachiko. "Ha, ha, ha! I _wonder_ how your capable hands will be 'handling' her now! Ne, Yu-mi-chaaaan? Just don't hurt our little Sa-chan, okaaay? Hahaha!"

Snapping back at Sei, Sachiko took the bait, "For your information, Yumi is quite skilled at—", and winced at her own careless words. Yoshino, Rei, Shimako, Noriko, Kei, Touko, Youko, Sei, and even Amaterasu eyed Yumi curiously.

It was found that poor Noriko wasn't the only one prone to K.O.'ing nosebleeds.

--

Somewhere in Japan, a former member of the Yamayurikai felt as thought she was left out again. Out of what, she didn't know. But damnit! She could feel it! And now, here, on her usual night-stroll, she felt it again. Having nothing better to do, she mused. _Tsk! It's because I'm not gay, isn't it! Woe goes to the straight girl, no one cares about HER. I never get any romantic sexcapades…wait, what?_

She always did like strange things…As it was, she didn't mind picking up the old **rubix cube** that had fallen out of the sky and stuck her in the forehead. So, is her forehead just a big target for strange things to hit her? She fumed, recalling _that_ name. That damned name Sei had given her all those years ago…

_De…ko…chin…_

What? That was strange…She knew the voice she thought in wasn't _that_ creepy. Come to think of it, she didn't even say the word aloud…Then, who…?

Torii Eriko finally turned around.

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A/N: Amaterasu threat cleared up...Eriko's in, yay?? I'm sorry if this chapter's a little short. (Although all my chapters are really short to boot...eh, heh,heh...) Eh, yeah, the title...well, I ran out of ideas... 


	11. Tenth Forehead

**A/N:** ......Hello...er, I know I took, like, five...four months to update. Sorry...Writers Block for this fic comes at tons per day. (sighs).

Well, here's the next chapter...though, not much actually happens. Ah, and there's some weird filler ChikaneHimeko lovin'...sorta...uh.

Disclaimer: I don't own Maria-sama ga Miteru, or Kannazuki no Miko.

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Maria-sama Is Glaring: Tenth Forehead

_Forehead. _Never once in her nineteen years of life had she ever hated her forehead so, _so_ much. Cursing under a ragged breath, she felt strands of weary lace along her legs from under the velvety fabric of her long skirt, which airily fluttered as she picked up speed.

_Dekochin. _How she despised that horrible word. Even more so, how she despised the _thing_ spitting it out at her as she fled. Sheesh! Had it had no manners!?

_DEKO…CHIIIIIN!!_

"S-Shut up!"

_DEKOCHIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!_

"You _suck_!" She stumbled, picked herself up, and ran faster than Fukuzawa Yuuki with Kashiwagi on his tail. Maybe.

_DE…KOOOO…DE…KOOOO…DEKO, DEKO, DEKOCHIIIIIIIIIN!!_

"Shove it, you damn _American!!_" Torii Eriko gasped as she processed what she had just reflexively counter spat. "You…! You made me sound like a racist!" She whipped her head around her shoulder briefly, wondering how close she was to death by quite literal 'stoning'. "Will you quit following me!! I'm not supposed to have fangirls!" Eriko almost tripped as she turned her heel at a street curve. Again, for heavens sake, where did all the cops go!?

_You…YOU… ONE OF THEEEEM!!_

Eriko had a feeling she knew exactly who 'them' was. Recalling 'them' she quipped the first thing that crossed her mind. "But I'm not even gay!!" And as the girl with the spacious forehead sped on past, mysteriously, six-hundred and sixty-six trees along the sidewalk…

A certain metallic nameplate gleamed into view. Engraved into its steel surface were the words 'Shimazu Residence', and Eriko felt a gust of relief slap her forehea…er, face. However, she had to admit that even if it had read 'The Pope's House', she would have still knocked down the door, tossed its residents out onto the streets, and made herself an atheist fort against Maria-sama.

Only, the Shimazu residence already looked like the bomb-shelter from hell. The door had been blown off its hinges and lay scattered on the Shimazu lawn, which was littered with…_gunshot holes, bullet shells, grenade pits!? What the… _

Eriko had no choice but to skip past the place and continue on her way, the lucky rubix cube gripped tightly in her hand. Lucky, because it did happen to chose _her_ forehead to land on, after all. She thought that out of all the crap she'd been through, finding the little multicolored cube of confusion was the only good thing she had encountered that day.

Oh, how ridiculously _wrong_ she was.

--

Amaterasu was floating around Sachiko's house while temporarily blinding anyone who looked her way when she felt the pulsating muscle within her front jumpstart suddenly. Her face burned a bright scarlet, and her body heat rose to such heights that she thought she could boil the sea on her forehead, provided that her forehead was large enough to hold that much space. Her throat became parched, and she thought her vocal chords would crack if she tried to utter even a single syllable. She felt herself perspiring and felt her stomach flip from one place to another. She was giddy with passion.

And that could mean only one thing.

_"Chikane-chaaaaaaaaan!!"_

And indeed, there came the midnight-blue haired literal goddess from the corner of a poorly lit back alley. The expression of exasperation and frustration on the taller woman's face instantly perked to one of fondness and love-struck joy as her eyes traveled toward the gentle captor of her heart. She parted her lips to speak, to call to the object of her inextinguishable affection.

But with the goddess also came the word of separation.

"_Fiiiire!!_" commanded a voice from behind. And then there were bullets and other miscellaneous deadly projectiles bombarding the form of the cerulean-eyed woman. Smoke obscured her sight, dust that would not fade. Amaterasu screamed a shrill cry of agony, unbefitting of one who held such a blithe nature.

_"CHIKANE-CHAAAAAAAAAAAN!! Whhhhy!?!" _But then there emerged a shadow from through the ashes, and that shadow soon grew a figure, and then limbs, and then a face, and then an identity as a whole. Steeped in recognition, the arisen woman extended an arm toward her golden-haired love, a smile blossoming on her flawless features. Her slender fingers reached up to the other woman's jawline, the simple touch mesmerizing and tender in its ardor. The hand slid up a smooth cheek, lingered there for a moment in a purely tantalizing caress, and delicately met a forehead that hid behind strands of soft, brilliant colored hair. Amaterasu thought her heart would burst.

But then the hand's thumb and middle fingers drew inward, paused for a second, and released them, effectively flicking a strike and sounding a 'thunk' from Amaterasu's forehead.

_"…eh?"_ Amaterasu bowed her head slightly and sheepishly looked up at the other goddess with bashful eyes.

However, another voice from behind interrupted further attempted pouting.

"Mou, Sachiko! You can't just shoot anyone you think is a psychopathic god!" This voice was cute, and maybe slightly angry.

"But Yumi! Look at her! She's _tall_, _dark_…_handsome_! And that brooding look on her face! She _must _be one of those psycho-semes!" This one was deeper, and more hysterical.

…Amaterasu ignored the snickering and rising arguments behind her as she thumped her fist against the taller goddess's shoulder.

_"Tsukiyomi, you boob! How could you?"_ The blush on Amaterasu's face had not receded.

Tsukiyomi sighed. "You _know_ that stuff won't hurt me, _Amaterasu_."

_"You're supposed to call me Himeko, my love." _

The voices from behind never failed to interrupt. "Whoah, what!?" And there were many 'holy crap!'s and 'I knew it!'s from the direction of Sachiko's house.

Amaterasu giggled and took her sister's hand in hers, fondling its backside with a thumb. _"Ah, dear, have you found the Continuum Transfunctioner, by any chance?"_

Tsukiyomi colored slightly, but did not stop Amaterasu's displays. "A-actually…no…but, I think it's…getting closer…?"

"_Closer…?" _Well, wasn't that strange?

Everyone heard a booming voice and a familiar sound accompanied by the even more all too familiar tremors of the ground. And then Amaterasu, Tsukiyomi, and the S.O.S. Brigade looked down the street and saw a red light being reflected off a large, smooth surface…almost like a beacon for help.

A second later, they heard clearly what they feared they would.

_DEKOCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!_

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_A/N: Well, there ya go. Not much, as I said. WAAAH... And, Have A Happy New Year!_


	12. Eleventh Teacup

A/N: Well, heya there. Uh. It's been eleven months, I know. After re-reading every chapter twice and wincing at all the weird sentences and some of the grammatical errors, this chapter finally came out. I'll go back and fix things later, probably. Short, as usual, but I don't remember the last time I've had this much fun being grammatically incorrect. Here it is, if anyone's still interested. Also, when I first wrote this story, I didn't know there'd be a third season and fourth season or that there were ongoing novels of Marimite being written. So I won't shove Kanako, Nana, or Shouko in, likely, maybe. Sorry to have made you few wait for so long, and thanks for reading.

Disclaimer: I don't Maria-sama ga Miteru or Darker Than Black, no matter how silly the reference is used.

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**Maria-sama Is Glaring: Eleventh Teacup**

Ogasawara Sachiko was having a nice cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold.

Fukuzawa Yumi was also having a nice cup of tea. Not so bitter, not so sweet.

In fact, _everyone_ was sitting inside of Sachiko's house, having his, her, or itself a _nice cup of tea_. Or mug of tea, whichever applied.

That's right. Sachiko and Yumi and Sei and Youko and Touko and Kei and Rei and Yoshino and Shimako and Noriko and Tsutako and Buddha and Amaterasu and Tsukiyomi and Kashiwagi's cold, limp body. Yes, everyone. Collectively, the Super Onee-sama Sentai Brigade, a pair of goddesses who were frighteningly_ good_ at cosplaying, jolly ol' Buddha with a Santa-hat probably materialized from out of swurly depths of Nirvana, or something, and the comatose remains of a pedophile in a dress.

Everyone was cramped into tiny little seats by the kitchen table, gingerly sipping tiny little cups of tea.

Why, _yes_, there _was_ one person missing.

But who cared about poor-old-hetero-_her_?

"More sugar, Sachiko?" Yumi dangled a sugar cube, taken from the small, square plate at the center of the table, over her former Onee-sama's porcelain teacup.

"Please." Sachiko dully noted that honorifics were dropped much more frequently. "Thank you," she said after the grainy sweetener was dunked into the reddish-colored liquid.

Plop.

A knowing smile was her reply.

Noriko glanced across her seat, smirking at the two, and then turned and reached for the square plate. "Two are fine, Shimako?"

"Yes, thank you." Shimako unnecessarily, yet discreetly, fondle-touched her souer's shoulder to show her gratitude.

_Plop-Plop._

A shy but happy grin was her response.

Amaterasu wiggled her sister a strange look with her eyes and tugged on Tsukiyomi's sleeve. The goddess of the moon flushed lightly and smuggled a block of sugar, from out of that very same long, white sleeve, instead of the plate, for no apparent reason, into Amaterasu's scarlet-lined teacup.

Plooooop…

A gentle and lingering kiss to the cheek was given in return…and no one bothered asking why Tsukiyomi-slash- 'Chikane-chan' carried sugar cubes up her sleeves or how she got them to stay in place.

_Flirt_, squinted Youko, and Sei nonchalantly flicked a sugar cube into their cups.

_Ploppity-plooooop._

Yoshino stared into the puffy cloud of steam over her cup. Eyes tracing the foggy stuff back to its source, she leaned the upper portion of her body forward a bit to peer into the china. Its bottom was visible through the thin, lightly colored, and sugarless tea.

"Rei. Sugar. Now."

"H-Heh?"

"Sugar. _Now_." Yoshino glared Shimazu-style in the way that triumphantly said _'No, _you_ ride the bitch-seat.'_

Fine, brown brows furrowed. "But it's right in front of y—"

"_Now._"

Beat, Rei sighed the sigh of the defeated and fed the braided girl's teacup with sugar cubes until it turned…_Darker Than Black_, and about an inch of the white stuff sat at the base of the literally sickeningly sweet, saturated cupful.

Calm.

Calm, calm, calm. Nothing was wrong with a nice cup of tea. Certainly, nothing was wrong with the frilly, pink bubble of flowery, shoujo-manga-esque backdrop of random sparkles over their heads.

But everything was wrong, you see.

_All wrong_.

By _DEAR, TAPDANCING, MARIA-SAMA, IT'S ALL WRONG!!, _is what Katou Kei's head was screaming just that moment.

Kei's head was currently spinning round and round like a merry-go-round. _You people are crazy_._ Why am I here? Oh, Gods, why am I here?!_ Kei's hands kept shaking, clattering cup against dish with a scared-silly-shitless smile on her face.

And then came the…

BangBangBang. A pounding noise, as well as screaming and cursing could be heard from the front door.

Sigh.

Poor Sachiko. It was almost as if Touko's bouncy, twin screws were drilling for oil up on her head. All hail Alaska.

"Door…" Ogasawara Sachiko groggily muttered, putting down her cup and willing for somebody else to go and 'answer' it again.

Absorbed in the happy-time tea party feeling, nobody bothered. So, the door seemed pretty angry about the lack of attention and kept on being obnoxious.

BangBangBaggityBang.

Sachiko could feel that damned headache grating on while she grit her teeth and felt Yumi's hand slide into hers. Though, if, in that moment, Fukuzawa Yumi's hand could breathe, it would most certainly _stop_ breathing in those next twelve-and-a-half seconds that her former Onee-sama would strangle it.

With love, of course. Painfully suffocating, stress-relieving love.

"Someone, _please_, get the door."

Yumi was probably begging more for her own sake than Sachiko's, mused a certain four-eyed photographer.

Takeshima Tsutako, awkwardly squashed between Buddha's stone-cold body and Kashiwagi's stiff-cold corpse, which, by the way, was hunched over the table with teacup in pale, unmoving, and slightly smelly palm, took the grand total of point-oh-four seconds to grab the bulky camera hanging at her neck, snap a shot of the strangely amusing phenomenon, and loop her fingers back into the handle of her mug, smiling innocently throughout.

BanggityBangBang—_Sigh_…

Savior of the day, Satou Sei took it upon herself to rise, knuckles flat against the lucky table that Youko secretly wished she could be for those five, few seconds, and stride tiredly across the kitchen, toward the desperate-sounding front door of the Ogasawara Sachiko Residence. There, without her trademark Cheshire grin, she drowsily unlatched the locks—all eleven of them, installed about eleven minutes after Sachiko ordered death by firing squad, which failed, on Tsukiyomi not an hour ago—and swiped up the gun by the counter.

Well, a decidedly different kind of banging continued on outside, then. From the kitchen table, Yumi could clearly hear the words:

"Go away! Nobody likes you, goddamn Dekochin!"

And another voice yelling back through nearing stomping sounds,

"Americans, _Americans!_ It's like we're in goddamn _America_, nowadays!"

The group gasped. Except Sei, who used one hand to keep the gun trigger happy and another hand to pull out and unscrew the iron cap of the German hand grenade from her belt. Belt, because she had earlier donned that black trench coat from the disbanded T.H.I.R.D. R.E.I.C.H. again.

"We don't like your kind here, racist!" And the stick went whirling through the air.

"Wha—!? You did _not_ just throw a—"

Sei slammed the door shut and sighed yet again.

She spat. Everything smelt and tasted like gunpowder and dekochins. Her vision swam with foreheads, foreheads, tall and wide, everywhere.

One more calculating sigh, and she slid the gun, still smoking, back onto the maple counter, where its path continued smoothly without obstruction until the blonde heard the telltale clank of metal against…something also made of metal.

A grenade.

By freakin' God, it was a grenade.

Holy mother of psycho-ass Maria-sama.

Oh, but it didn't go off, of course.

Heavens no! That one was just an empty shell. Sei just liked to scare the wits out of that silly Kei over there.

_Boom._

Dust sprinkled down from off the ceiling and chips of the wall went flying here and there.

It was Eriko's present. But Kei's idea that she was, perhaps, she was the only sane person in the house was reinforced with every passing nanosecond. Which didn't explain why the explosion outside occurred at exactly the same moment that Sei's gun whacked against the dud grenade, but did explain why Kei effectively lost twenty years on her life and went out like a light.

"Whoah, whoah!" Both Shimako and Noriko caught the fainted one and supported her weight as Youko slanted her eyes and sneered at Sei.

And that sly grin came rolling in at last.

That was when Lilian University's astute playgirl strolled back to where the others sat with her hands in her pockets and chuckled herself a nice chuckle.

"That girl, really. The apocalypse comes laser-beaming down her back alley and she goes and picks herself up a rubix cube. Damn dekochins. They'll be the end of us all." Sei seemed to be in a good mood now.

The corner of Yumi's mouth was twitching like crazy. Tsutako took her picture. Sachiko head-desked the table. Youko kept sneering at Sei. Sei kept grinning. Shimako fanned off Kei. Noriko helped her, confusedly. Touko contemplated Yumi's navel. Yoshino impatiently smirked. Rei patted her back. Buddha laughed. Amaterasu played with Tsukiyomi's hair. Tsukiyomi stared blankly at those strange, strange humans while Amaterasu played with her hair. Kashiwagi was still in a dress.

Cough, cough.

"_Wait, what?"_ Amaterasu's brows furrowed. She let the strands of her sister's hair fall through her fingers and hit the mental rewind button.

So did Yumi and Tsutako, from the wide-eyed looks on their faces.

_Rubix cube._

And then Youko and Sachiko and Sei did, too.

_Eriko._

And eventually, wide-eyes rippled like a wave around the table.

_Rubix Cube._

_Continuum Transfunctioner._

_Dekochin._

Eriko had a rubix cube. Which may or may not be the Continuum Transfunctioner. Which had the capacity to destroy the universe.

Which Sei just threw a grenade at.

"Oh—" Yumi started.

"My—" Shimako continued.

"…fucking zombie Jesus." Yoshino concluded with a sigh.

And with many a palm to the face.

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End file.
